Diaries of the Postpartum Mom: Open letters by real moms sharing their postpartum story
A Story Series by Le Lolo
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Courtney. Mom of 3. Postpartum year: 2019.
My son was one week late with no signs of coming, so my doctor scheduled an induction for a week after my due date. My hospital arrival time was midnight. I remember sitting in the waiting room waiting to be called back, feeling scared, excited, nervous, and happy all at once. After 7 hours of labor (and an epidural), at 8:47am on July 31st, 2019, my first baby, my son, was born.
He was perfect. A full head of hair, cute as a button, calm and quiet. But even with all that, I felt a strange sense of weirdness. I didn’t know how to feel the first time I held him. I was excited, but also nervous because I had never done this before. I felt pressure on myself to feel a certain way, to instantly know what to do. How am I supposed to do this? How do I know what I’m supposed to do? Can I do this? Why do I feel like this?
We stayed in the hospital overnight and could have gone home the next morning, but I didn’t want to leave. The nurses were helping me. They knew what to do. My baby slept in the nursery, they changed his diaper, and told me when to feed him. It felt safe. If I left, how would I know what to do and when to do it? I was terrified! (And I didn’t tell my husband how scared I was because even though I knew he wouldn’t judge me, I was judging myself.) So we stayed another night.
The morning of discharge, I was a nervous wreck but tried to play it cool. I still didn’t want to go. My vagina hurt from a small tear. My boobs hurt because my milk was coming in and they were so engorged my son couldn’t latch well, and they hurt like hell. I didn’t want to go home and figure this out on our own, but we had to.
The minute I got into the car and shut the door, I started sobbing. My husband comforted me and told me everything would be okay, but I was terrified, in pain, and completely overwhelmed by the responsibility of caring for this tiny baby I knew nothing about.
When we got home, my boobs were aching. The lactation consultant told me not to pump because it could affect my milk flow, but I was crying from the pain. I called my sister — a mom and also pregnant — and she said, “Courtney. Pump. You will feel so much better. Listen to your body and make the best decision for you and your baby.” That advice changed everything for me, and it’s something I still carry through motherhood.
I pumped and wow! Instant relief. I felt like a new person and like a weight (mentally and physically) and been taken off my chest. Except for my throbbing vagina. I called my best friend, also a mom, and asked, “Why does no one talk about this part? How long will I be in pain?” Two weeks, she said, and she was exactly right. Even after all the research and prenatal classes, I still felt completely unprepared for how postpartum actually felt.
One week in and I started getting the hang of being a mom. I realized I was figuring it out. I began to understand my baby, feel more connected to him, feel more confident in my role. My husband was amazing and so helpful, and my mom was in town. I had support, and it helped me start to find my footing.
Then three weeks later, everything shifted. My husband went back to work and my mom went home. Suddenly I felt helpless and scared again. I was afraid to be alone, to do it on my own. I couldn’t sleep the night before my husband returned to work, wondering how I would manage without him. I cried at the airport when I dropped my mom off because I didn’t want her to leave. Now it was just me and the baby, all day, every day.
At the same time, I was trying to accept my new body. The softness, the stretched skin, the huge boobs. I wanted my old body back, the one that could fit into my clothes and didn’t jiggle. Body image has always been something I struggled with, and and how I felt and looked in my postpartum body was just an added emotion on top of everything else.
No one prepares you for the emotional whiplash of early motherhood. I was deeply in love with my baby and deeply scared at the same time. Some moments I felt completely connected, and others I couldn’t believe this baby was mine. He relied on me for everything, and that responsibility felt enormous. I didn’t want to make a mistake. I overthought everything. I became rigid about schedules — naps at the exact time, feeds at the exact time — trying to do everything “right.” It was exhausting. I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect that I was unraveling. I felt disconnected from myself and overwhelmed by my emotions. Motherhood was harder than I ever expected. I didn’t like how I felt, how my body looked, or who I was becoming. I was spiraling. I had never felt so much joy and sadness at the same time.
By six weeks postpartum, my anxiety was through the roof. I knew I needed help. I loved my baby, but I didn’t love how I was feeling. I wanted to be better, for me, for him, and for my husband. I needed peace. I needed support. I needed to reconnect with myself, and feel both the old me and the new me. So I asked for help.
I am proud of myself for asking for help, for recognizing when things were getting tough and doing what was right for me and my family. Being a mom is the most beautiful gift I’ve ever been given, and I feel so blessed, but it is hard. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. You are never the same after becoming a mom, and that is both beautiful and terrifying. Your heart grows bigger and fuller, but you also worry in ways you never have before.
Journaling my feelings and dreams, reminding myself I didn’t have to be perfect, asking my mother-in-law for an hour of help twice a week so I could get out alone, and being honest with my husband about what I needed — these are the things that helped me cope. You can do all the research in the world before becoming a mom, but you won’t truly understand it until you’re living it. It is beautiful, messy, scary, joyful, heavy, and full of love all at once.
If I could go back, I would tell myself to enjoy it more. Worry less about the strict schedule. Hold my baby for more naps. Lean into the slowness instead of the checklist. Those moments don’t come back. Now that my baby is six, I wish I had soaked in even more of them.
Postpartum is hard and emotional and rewarding. It is also a season of incredible growth. It made me stronger. It shaped me into the mom and woman I am today, and for that, I am grateful.
To every new mom:
You will figure out what your baby needs faster than you think. You were built to be this baby’s mom. Trust your gut, it’s almost, if not always right. Don’t chase perfect. Hold your baby as long as you want. Let them sleep in your arms. Ask for help early. Give yourself grace. This season is short, savor the quiet moments.
Postpartum taught me:
That I am stronger and more capable than I ever believed. It taught me patience, slowness, and how to love myself for who I am. It taught me confidence, how to trust my instincts, how to believe in myself, and that I was made, and meant, to be a damn good mom.
If I could only choose 5 things, here is what I would put on my registry
1. Baby lounger cushion for baby
4. High-quality swaddles. I loved the brand Halo (zip + velcro), but there are so many new options on the market now (you don’t need a million, 2 really good ones will do!)
5. Le Lolo's Postpartum Journal and Baby Tracker: the dream journal I wish I had when I was postpartum
